...sighhh...

These last few weeks I feel like I have the "weight of the world sitting on my shoulders". Some of this weight is self induced and much welcomed but some of the weight is a burden that pulls me down, tears at my heart and makes me want to poke my own eye balls out (no really, it does).
This weight is the daily grind of a working mom.
Sick children.
Sick mom.
More sick children
More sick mom.
When it rains in normal peoples lives, well I get the monsoon, the torrential down pour.
Seriously, I do.
{huge side note: How can one person have so much drama in a life span, let alone week after week, after week?
I feel like I don't ask for drama {please feel free to let me know else wise}.
I am completely and totally a drama magnet. Yes, that's right. Drama likes me. Drama wants to be my companion in life. I have tired and tried again to break up with her but she is relentless. Sheeshh. Move on to someone else already. I am so over you.--by the way, this is what it's like living in my head---just in case you cared or wanted to know}
This weight keeps getting heavier and harder to hold.
It's getting harder and harder to justify the means of this weight- this burden.
The bigger picture of Peter finishing school is so that I can stay home and work part time to be with the kids more. {hum... You always want what you can't have...if I stay home I will want to go back to work and while I am working, I feel like I need to be home with the kids. Cruel irony I know}.
Peter and I are very close to our goal.
Unfortunately, the time is here and now. My kids come first and are my number one priority.
I feel like I am always falling short. I feel like I am failing someone at all times. I am sick of feeling like a failure. Peter took this Summer off (yeah I think we have covered that) which has been a huge blessing and has lightened my load beyond my own imagination.
Time is running out and school starts soon which makes me the "single wife" again. I can't take the stress of working full time , running a complete home and you know who suffers the most, right? The kids. It's not fair for them or me. If I am stressed and over worked then it trickles through all other aspects in my life.
I know better this time. I don't do stress well. Stress and I are NOT friends. I can handle some stress but not the kind of STRESS while Peter is in school. That stress turns Hilary into evil, crazy, psycho Hilary. Even I don't like or care to be around that Hilary but unfortunately for me...it's who I turn into when stress becomes my constant companion.
So we all know what I need and want to do...but what if I fail at finding a part time job? What if I can't pay all my bills? What if I am a bad stay at home mom? What if I stay home and decide that I do want to poke my eyes out and would rather work full time then spend time with my kids? Am I not already going about this backwards--Don't most moms stay at home first and then start working part time once their kids start school? Am I looking for an out because I am lazy and don't want to work anymore? Will I be able to stop spending money? Do I stay in this rut until I burn out, drowned, lose my hair and wear an eye patch because I have poked my eyes out so many times?
If anything...
I have always wanted to wear an eye patch.